Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
