why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
