Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you had me at cake vodka
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You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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