and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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