guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
