she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.