I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
