We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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