He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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