Do you still have your period?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
