My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
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I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize