she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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