Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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