I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
