just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
