I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
