I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
