I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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