I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
