I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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