I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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