I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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