she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
