i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
