its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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