He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
