If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
