You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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