you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
