You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
