my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
