I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My penis needs a shock collar
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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