my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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