just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
