Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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