I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
