We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We left an ass print on the piano.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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