I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
