So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
