we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
