I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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