six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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