when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
