Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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