He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
