I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.