Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!