i just sold back the books i vomitted on
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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