My Higher Power is John Stamos
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
