im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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