I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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