took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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