I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am spending my child support on dildos
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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