She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
